(No) Father’s Day

I spent the day trying to keep myself busy. All I want is for this day to just come and go like any ordinary day. But no matter how hard I try, I still can’t shrug off the uneasiness and the anxiety I feel.  Today is Father’s Day. For most people, this day is to honor their fathers and celebrate paternal bonds.  In my case, this day is like a slap in the face, painfully reminding me that I never had one.  

When people ask the whereabouts of my father, I feel awfully defenseless. I used to pity myself because I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t have the slightest idea where he is. I didn’t know the story. My mom didn’t tell me about him. And I never had the courage to ask her. 

 As a kid, I made up what I thought my father looked like just to make it easy for me to imagine him in my little daydreams. There were times when I imagined him coming back to us and staying to live with us. Sometimes, I imagined a confrontation between us which will end up in reconciliation. It was silly and pathetic because those never happened in real life.

When my mom finally told me about it, I was surprised. All along my father was disguising as the godfather I meet once or twice a year.   I felt cheated and manipulated.   I was angry. More than the deception, I was mad at my father because the thought of the three of us living together as a family became impossible. Why? Because he already has his own family.  And one can never have two.

It broke my heart.

But cliché as it may sounds, time heals all wounds. As I grow old, I get used to the idea that I can never be with my father. Whatever loathing I felt towards my father is gone. The wound is still there but it doesn’t hurt (that much) anymore.   

Most days, the memories are distant. It seems that everything has been forgotten. But this day… this is one of those days where I lapse.  I used to hate every time I feel this way. But now, I am embracing it with arms wide open.  I don’t care how painful and bitter are the memories for these are the only things I have now. Wherever he is, I wish him and his family well.  

Are you thinking of me too right now, Papa?

Until we meet again.   

*posted a day late